Just Presuming.

You know, those things you think to yourself, wish you could tell people, then just end up blogging about.

What is about the night that welcomes such lonely thoughts? Somehow I feel like I’ve been here many times before, staring aimlessly at my fluorescent-lit walls, having online conversations I won’t remember in a week, letting my cognition interlace with the dreamy haunting melody of chill wave genre music. After a certain time, it seems that reality and the spectrum of imagination fuse to form a perception that encompasses both. Almost as if we are living the dreams of those sleeping, and dreaming the adventures of others alive beyond us. The clock moves forward but time seems suspended, the glittering change of light becomes slower, vision becomes blurry, eyes become redder. A car alarm suddenly goes off. The dream is briefly shattered, and reawakened when the half moon peers out from behind the clouds transmits a cascade of moon light onto the entranced beings below it. In the dark, everything becomes one in the same, and in our blindness we are no longer able to decipher how we are, what we think, or if we feel. High energy parties continue next door, the sweat from beer cans and people’s transpired clothing evaporating into the cooling midnight air. Laughter and shouting emits from all corners of the neighborhood, dying down when nearby clocks surge forward. As the lights dim, suddenly it is me that is jumping in the grass, throwing music into the sky, twisting in the shadow of street lamps, without ever coming back down.


Washed Out- You and I

Beach House- Better Times

We Are Trees- Sunrise Sunset

Neon Indian- Polish Girl

Groove Aramada- Think Twice

Twisted 

Why We Broke Up

The Future of Us

The Virgin Suicides

Chill Out

The Fault in Our Stars

Butterface

The Odds

If I Stay

Almost

Cracked Up to Be

Heart on a Chain

Simply, Mine

Lucky

Empty Chairs

The Realm of Possibility

Sometimes, in moments like these, I suddenly lose my breath. I want to cry- not because I’m sad, or overwhelmingly happy, but because I’ve realized I’ve lived. It sounds silly but sometimes every few weeks I’ll go through a mental list of guys I’ve dated or liked and check up on them online- see how they’re doing, if they’ve gotten together with someone new, maybe landed a new job. And everytime, every picture I look at and every comment I read, I feel like I’ve been alive forever. Everything just feels like it was so long ago, and if weren’t for friends reminding me, I would forget about some people all together. That sounds rather horrible, forgetting about someone, but maybe that’s how I’ve learned to cope. I overreact and become emotional to so much that it seems like my memory is well aware of this and needs to erase past painful memories in order to make room for the new ones. In any case, I get this feeling at the pit of my stomach. A recognizable queasiness- my breath starts to quicken, and I can feel the blood rushing through my ears, through my mind, where all the memories start. There’s just a frozen image in front of me- Jack, Andres, Nick, Matthew, Robert, Connor.. and I feel the part of myself that once belonged to them come back to life. And in that instant, I want them once more. Connor was the one that really struck me today, there was a picture of him longboarding with his shirt off, and I think about the time he walked me to my car, no shirt, smiling, saying “you’re so lucky you get to have all of this” gesturing to his defined body. A lifetime ago. Maybe it’s imaginary, a reoccuring dream and I think I was with these people. I’m with someone now, but will I feel the same way? I want to sob, not for myself, but for all the lost memories out there- all the lost people and the lost efforts. I can’t bring myself to tear up out of sorrow or gratitude- my memories are neither happy or sad. They just.. are. And that’s life- the moments you spent with someone, and the moments after, staring at a picture, letting a dead part of you come alive once more.

It’s almost over.

So after a stressful college application season, I have officially received my last notification of admission. Fucking done! Now the decision-making must start. Just to recap:

Accepted at: American University of Paris, Boston University, University of Florida, University of Notre Dame, University of Southern California, University of Virginia (6)

Wait-listed at: Amherst College, Stanford University (2)

Rejected at: Bowdoin College, Brown University, Columbia University, Pomona College, Northwestern University, Princeton University, University of Chicago, Yale University (9)

So now I have at most 6 options…. wonder where I’ll be in 5 months.